


Like My Mirror

by drnucleus



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, But with a happy ending, Canon-Fix-it but still canon compliant, F/M, Force Ghost Shenanigans, Gender flipped Orpheus/Eurydice, Heavy references to the movie What Dreams May Come, Major Character Death – but he’s only mostly dead, No Smut, Putting the Ethos/Pathos back in Mythos, Rating is for images of violence, Resurrection, Rey may be a Palpatine but she’s also a Friendpatine, Sheev makes an appearance but not how you think, Skywalkers back on their bullshit, The Force Ghost Ani we were robbed of, True Love, canonverse, sacrifice. Fixing/finishing the myth., soul mates/the meaning of the dyad bond, touch starvation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26881291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drnucleus/pseuds/drnucleus
Summary: Rey does what Rey does best. She waits. She buries her pain. But when you’ve lost the other half of your soul the pain is unrelenting. Isolating herself from the galaxy can only last so long before the Force comes calling. But what if that pull in her chest, that squeezing pain around her heart, isn’t just grief but a bond not severed, but merely stretched but unbroken? To what lengths will she go to regain what she has lost? Travel beyond lengths any entity of the galaxy has ever traveled. Face trials that test her mettle, heart and soul to find the one who mirrors her so.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 12
Kudos: 14
Collections: To Rapture the Earth and the Seas: the 2020 Reylo Fanfiction Anthology





	1. Prologue. Luminous beings are we; not this crude matter.

**Author's Note:**

> Babe, there's something tragic about you  
>  Something so magic about you  
>  Don't you agree?  
>  Babe, there's something lonesome about you  
>  Something so wholesome about you  
>  Get closer to me  
>  No tight side, no rolling eyes, no irony  
>  No 'who cares', no vacant stares, no time for me  
>  Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago  
>  Idealism sits prison, chivalry fell on its sword  
>  Innocence died screaming, honey ask me I should know  
>  I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door  
>  Babe, there's something wretched about this  
>  Something so precious about this  
>  Oh what a sin  
>  From Eden - Hozier

**Prologue.**

_Luminous beings are we; not this crude matter._

* * *

The hour of day could not be discerned from her surroundings. 

And yet, before her was light. Intense, bright light, a beacon guiding her, lighting a path towards something—something that felt like home.

_Follow it,_ a soft voice said to her. Familiar, yet with an edge of foreboding. _Follow it and find what you have lost._

At the utterance, hope flooded through her. The prospect of reunion helped her find her feet and she began to run towards the light.

She knew what she lost, who she would rightfully reclaim.

Her legs slowed despite her exertion. She cried out as the darkness began to envelop her. A thick suffocating darkness swarming her senses. Pulling at her as she tried to fight. The harder she fought, the more it swallowed her whole.

_Darkness will consume you,_ a darker, more menacing voice called out to her.

_Light will demand your destruction,_ another, a softer soprano, warned.

A third voice, powerful and righteous bellowed _, If you do not walk a balanced path, that is your fate._

She struggled harder, but the dark continued to suffuse every sensation and thus the light, the hope of rebirth and renewal, of resurrection and ultimate reunion faded from view until her perspective changed.

Harsh morning light flooded the room she was in as she opened her eyes, squinting and wincing at the sheer brightness of it. She was not consumed by darkness. She wasn’t in some abyss, struggling to run towards some impossibility. Instead, her lower half was twisted in the blankets of a bed that she’d claimed as her own but was not hers by right.

The truth of the moment rooted her, brought her back to reality but with a crushing sensation in her chest.

Alone. 

She was alone. It was a simple yet excruciating truth. One she thought she’d made peace with long ago.

Struggling for breath, she inhaled deeply and sat up, crossing her legs and closing her eyes. No, the pain would not take her. She would remember that all is as the Force wills it to be. No matter how much it pained her she would not dwell upon that loneliness. She would not let her loss consume her. She refused. Because she must live. She must live, or his sacrifice meant nothing.

But without love – without the other half of your soul, is it really living?

* * *


	2. One. The winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find Rey on Tatooine. It's been months since Exegol and she's been just existing. Restoring the Lars Homestead into her own. Unsure of why she can't seem to leave the barren planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello all. This is my first dip into canonverse for my RFFA piece. Please make sure to check out all the other wonderful authors who contributed! You can find the link to the collection in the story description above! 
> 
> Look for Sunday evening updates weekly for the next 10 weeks with this as week 1.

**One.**

_The winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes._

* * *

The desert suns beat down upon the barren landscape of Tatooine. Rey found solace in the unceasing heat. It gave her purpose as she moved from condenser to condenser, tweaking, adjusting what she could. 

She’s good at fixing things. Just like she’s good at waiting. 

Waiting for what? She doesn’t know. But she does know she couldn’t possibly begin to force herself to leave this place. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because of its history. This barren place has a desolate connection to something she’s never been able to quite grasp for herself. 

Maybe, it’s because it’s both like Jakku and not. With Jakku comes acceptance of harder truths than she wants to admit to herself—a family who will never come back for her, fourteen years wasted, waiting for parents that she knew on some level would never return. 

It’s thoughts like those she tamped down quickly.

No use to dwell.

The blue and silver astromech followed her around the desert, helping where he can, beeping out a conversation as the two labor long hours fixing condensers and vaporators. He tells her stories of battles past. Of friends lost and gained along the way.

In the distance, two spirits watched her with measured interest.

“I’m worried for her,” Luke said softly,keeping his distance. 

Leia, next to him, sighed. “She’s resilient. Persistent, too.”

A soft half-hearted grin lifted the corner of Luke’s mouth. “She’ll need it before long.”

* * *

Dreams torment her nights often, stealing the feeling of being well rested from her days. She blamed it on the food scarcity. Moisture farming is trickier than scavenging, if just as back breaking. At least with scavenging came a steady rate of portions. Moisture farming was a competitive business, although a lucrative one in a barren wasteland such as this.

Most avoided her. They could see the light saber clipped to her belt and feared the name she’d adopted. But she held firm, keeping on until the right clientele made themselves in need of her services.

Early on in her stay, she’d encountered Jawas, who’d taken a keen interest in the YT-1300 freighter that stood just on the edge of the homestead. After an argument or two, she found that they, too, could be a useful set of eyes to scope out the landscape that surrounded her. They warned her of Sand people, Tusken Raiders who wouldn’t be too pleased to see that someone had retaken land in their territory. However, whispers of the girl with the last name Skywalker, who held a yellow light blade, had ensured the Raiders would give her a wide berth. 

She found the best business in commercial enterprise, providing water for ships about to leave port in Mos Espa. In the years since Jabba the Hutt’s death, the city had seen its economy flourish, the Hutt cartel was a mere shadow of its former glory. 

But water was one commodity that always held value. No one could forget the terror of the Great Drought of years past. 

It took her time but once the farm was fixed up and running Rey found herself restless, needing something to occupy the whiling hours between collections and transporting by the tank load. 

It was a simple life, farming. 

But the restlessness ate at her, making her leg muscles twitch in an urge to move. Harvest was a few days away. The farm was handling itself well on its own with the few droids she’d purchased from the Jawas over the three months she’d lived here. 

That restlessness pushed her forward, bringing her to the Jundland Wastes just beyond the Western Dune Sea. Upon a bluff stood a dwelling not unlike the Lars Homestead she’d resurrected from the sand. In the far off distance, she noted the clouds building. A sandstorm would sweep through here within the hour.

The old abandoned moisture prospector’s home had seen better days, but would do well to provide shelter from the onslaught until she could return.

The inside felt familiar. From the edge of some forgotten dream, long ago. 

A Force signature buzzed within its traces—one she recognized but did not recall why. 

“Hello, Rey,” an all-too familiar voice said from behind her.

_These are your first...your final…steps…_

She whipped around to see the man seated before her, translucent blue and smirking that she’d found his home.

“Who are you? Why are you here?” she asked, wondering after how many months of isolation, that now Force spirits were appearing to her.

As the man spoke, the lines on his face faded, the white of his hair darkened to light brown. “I suppose I should ask you the same, since you are standing in what was my home for many years.”

At that instant recognition flooded through her of who she was speaking with, and where she was standing. “Master Kenobi.”

The man, now young, smiled at her. “I see the droid has told you many tales. While I lived here, I was not Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master of the Jedi Order. I was simply Ben Kenobi, an old hermit who looked after a special boy.”

At the name, Rey flinched.

Kenobi’s expression softened at her pained expression. He stood, crossing his arms over his chest. “I spent long nights here cursing the Empire, the Jedi Purge and all that I had lost. But do you know what those nights taught me?”

Rey took half a step forward, intrigued to know what had gotten him through the long years after losing everything. “Tell me,” she pleaded, as if his answer would hold some great elixir of truth.

A coy smile flitted across Kenobi’s features. “All is not lost. All is, as the Force wills it to be.”

Rey felt the anger, the righteous indignation well within her. “How can you say that? After everything…” She trailed off, her eyes pricking with unshed tears.

Kenobi grinned softly and stepped forward to her. “Because, my dear girl, you are here.”

Tears slid down her cheeks as she shook her head in rejection of that ideology. “But at what cost? To lose half of myself in the process?”

The Jedi Master stepped forward, placing his hands on her shoulders, and though he was not solid matter, the Force made his touch warm her skin and comfort her. 

“But you are still whole—just stretched across a vast distance that only you can cross,” he spoke, fading from view until just his voice remained. “Trust in the Force, Rey, for it has many mysteries waiting to be unfolded.”

And with that, she was alone again, the Jedi Master leaving a deafening silence in its wake only eclipsed by the onslaught of the storm outside. 

Her hands were shaking. The crushing pressure in her chest, throbbed anew as if to punctuate that singular point. 

In all her confusion, one thing was certain with pristine clarity – the Force wasn’t finished with her yet.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and supporting the Reylo Fan Fiction Anthology! If you liked it please leave a comment to tell me what you liked! I try to respond to every comment! Thank you!


	3. Two. Friendship shows us who we really are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see what Finn has been up to post TROS, and I promise it does him justice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late, but as promised, weekly update for this finished RFFA piece. Enjoy!

**Two.**

_Friendship shows us who we really are.._

* * *

Jannah anxiously glanced over her shoulder as she waited BB-8 to find the files in question. “C’mon BB-8,” she whispered tersely.

The droid beeped back unsympathetically that she should have patience. It was a large mass of files he was trying to extract. 

Finn came jogging back in. “We need to hurry. I’m not sure how long Lando can stall.”

The urgency in his voice was apparent as Lando’s voice crackled in over their comms.

“You two just about finished down there?”

“We’re in the mainframe, BB-8 is downloading the files now. There’s a lot of them. We need more time,” Finn replied.

“Hurry, kid. You’ve got as much time as I can give you!” Lando stressed and the two could hear an accompanying Wookie howl.

“You heard ‘em BB-8, we have to hurry,” Finn added

Annoyed beeps resounded in response, telling them that he was working as fast as his circuits would allow. 

“Well if he could download large encrypted datafiles I’m sure he would!”

“Finn, focus on finding us a way out of here, I’ll keep BB-8 safe.” Jannah called out to him. 

Finn nodded and took his blaster and headed out to the corridor, scoping out for incoming hostiles. This mission had been his idea after all. Deep within the First Order datafiles lay all the answers that he and others like him sought: where they came from, their families, and homeworlds. He hoped it would help turn the tide. Ever since the Battle of Exegol, the last remnants of the First Order had formed unrelenting insurgent cells throughout the galaxy. 

Taking stock of the next few corridors he paused, ducking in an alcove with his shoulder pressed to the durasteel wall. It was still strange to him as he watched the officers dressed in black pass him, to sense things he couldn’t see, things that hadn’t happened yet. How Rey handled it, he didn’t know. But its utility had saved him in more dire situations than this. Once the danger had passed, he found a back way out that would lead to the back end of the complex.

Running back to the data port, Jannah and BB-8 met him halfway, with Jannah dodging blaster fire. “We’ve got company!” she shrieked as they took off back the way Finn had come. 

“Ya think? Beebee, did you get it?” he asked as they ran.

The droid beeped at him, confirming the payload was indeed within his memory bank. 

“Good, let’s get out of here.”

Corridor after corridor they ran, going up and out, dodging blaster fire and hearing the scream of tie fighters in the distance. 

“Get in the starboard gunner position!” Jannah called out as they raced up the gangplank onboarding themselves into the small smuggler’s freighter they’d stolen as soon as they’d broken atmo on Vardos. While the planet itself had resisted First Order control, that hadn’t stopped the military organization from creating an underground network of supporters including making a base of operations deep beneath the surface while they initially had control of the system.

Getting into place, Jannah and Finn lifted off, just in time to see that Lando was fending off not a small squad of troopers but an entire battalion of elite officers. 

Jannah concentrated the ship's shields to the starboard side, and Finn fired on the battalion. 

Lando and Chewie hollered in relief as Jannah landed the freighter, the port side door opening for them to run to, using the ship as cover from the onslaught of blaster fire. The two old friends made a run for it, with Chewie helping the aged Lando up into the ship before climbing in himself. 

“You in?” Jannah yelled from the cockpit. 

“Yeah, let’s get out of here!”

Jannah grinned, closing the doors and hit the vertical thrusters. “Nice work everyone!”

But they weren’t through the mess yet. Quickly, two tie fighters were on their six as Jannah took evasive maneuvers. 

Lando joined her in the cockpit, sending Chewie to the other gunner position. 

“Finn, I can’t shake them, you and Chewie are going to have to take them out,” Jannah called out over the ship’s comm-system.

“Yeah, I see 'em,” Finn called out as he took a shot only for it to graze the side of one. “Damnit. Come on.” He breathed slow, pushing the targeting system to the side, having no trust in it. The ties weren’t easy to take out but Chewie managed to get one, and Finn the other, just in time for them to break into outer orbit of the planet. 

Lando cheered and punched in the coordinates into the ship's navicomputer, before Jannah took them to lightspeed. The trek to Bespin would take a few hours, giving them time finally to take a much needed breather. 

Finn came into the main cargo hold, running a hand over his face as Chewie patted him on the shoulder. It was hard for him to enjoy this. It was a victory wasn’t it? The files were obtained and without losing their lives in the process. Everything since Exegol had felt like he’d been in a haze. And he wasn’t quite sure how to lift it.

He’d thought - rather - assumed that finding the records of stormtrooper training files would help him move past whatever this was but the weight of everything still hung heavy on his shoulders.

“Difficult, isn’t it?” an impossible voice said from behind him. 

Whipping around he took in the source of the sound falling backwards onto a stack of crates. “What?  _ How _ ?” he all but shrieked.

Leia chuckled at him as she shook her head. “Took you long enough to notice.”

“Leia?” Finn gasped as he tried to get himself back up to an upright position. “But you died!”

She nodded. “Yes, but with the Force, death is only the beginning.” She stepped forward, taking a seat on one crate adjacent to him. “You did a good thing today. Getting those records. You can liberate legions of troopers, just like you.”

Finn nodded and looked at his hands still uncertain. “It should feel great. And it feels good. To finally have answers so close but I don’t understand it. Why I don’t feel better. I can’t shake this feeling that—”

A soft grin flitted over her features as she observed him. “Something is missing?” Leia offered, finishing his statement. He nodded making the spirit in front of him grin. “Maybe because you haven’t embraced certain gifts?” She asked with an eyebrow raise. 

Finn gave her a look. “Is that why you’re here? To tell me I have some Jedi destiny to follow? If it is, save it. I saw what following that path did to Rey. I don’t want it.”

Leia sighed. “The Jedi are over. There’s only one left, and she’s on a barren planet refusing her own gifts.”

“She died because of those gifts, Leia.”

“She did,” Leia admits, her face growing solemn at the truth of it. “She is an instrument of the living and cosmic Force, Finn. And she needs help back onto her path.”

“What path is that exactly? Because the end result of the last one is why she’s isolated herself now. She barely spoke when Poe and I came to collect BB-8. She wouldn’t even talk to me about how she survived! I felt her die, Leia.”

“There’s much for you to learn. That one in particular isn’t a story for me to tell you. Go to Tatooine. She needs your friendship now more than ever.”

* * *

This was crazy. Correction.  _ He _ was crazy.

He’d hoped that coming to Tatooine he’d get at least a little more hospitality. Rey had been kind, had hugged him but the smile she gave him didn’t quite reach her eyes. It gave him a hollow feeling, barren like the landscape that surrounded them.

Here she was on another wasteland planet. 

She’d refused him twice already, telling him that she wasn’t going to rebuild any Jedi Order. If anything, another Jedi Order as monastic and dogmatic as it had been would only tip the balance again, tempting darkness to rise once more.

But even as Rey refused he could see the glimmer of hope in her. The wind blew his way, and with it, Leia’s whisper. 

_ Keep trying. _

“Rey?” he called out as he found her in the kitchen of the homestead. 

“Save it, Finn,” she responded piling food into the processor. 

He sighed and rubbed a hand along his neck. “I won’t. Leia sent me here for a reason, Rey.”

“And for what? So, you can learn you have some mystical destiny? Been there, done that. Some hidden truth about yourself? Trust me that path only leads to more pain.”

“It’s more than that,” he said. And in truth it was becoming more and more apparent that he and Jannah’s squadron were not the only troopers who experienced an awakening. They needed guidance. Training. A friend who could lead them. 

Rey huffed and shoved a cup of caf in his hand as she passed. “What is it then?”

He joined her as they stepped up on to the bluff surrounding the home. “I’m not the only trooper who can sense things,” he began, getting Rey to give him a generous side eye. “I’m serious. The mission on Vardos. When we got back to Bespin and got a load of the records, there were many others who were picked for their ability to sense the Force, Rey. Many of us were destined for officer and leadership positions. But they realized that we weren’t great at following orders without behavioral conditioning. How many troopers are still stuck with programming that was forced on them? How many more could have this awakening? It could help us destroy the remnants of the First Order throughout the galaxy.”

“And what do you plan on doing with them once they learn this great gift?” she asked without a hint of interest in her tone.

Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s why I’m here. You went to Luke, not knowing what to do with your abilities. You’re all we’ve got, Rey.”

Rey sighed as she looked out at the sunrise, frustration swarming her senses. “I don’t want any part of it, Finn.”

“Why?” he asked but she shook her head, unwilling to divulge the story. “Is it because of what happened on Exegol?”

Flustered, Rey downed the last of her caf and headed back inside, the Force radiating out of her in hot waves. She didn’t want to discuss it. The pain that washed over her at just the offhand mention of Exegol was too much to bear.

“It is, isn’t it?” he prodded and he felt a shimmer in the Force around her in warning. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she seethed, shaking her head.

“Fine, but I’m here to learn.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know what to do with how I can sense things before they happen. How I can feel people that I care about, across the galaxy. I don’t get it. And I want to learn. I need to. If there are more like me-,” He trailed off as Rey nodded in understanding.

“You want to help them. I get that. But the Jedi order doesn’t exist anymore. It shouldn’t be resurrected either.”

“I’m not asking for that.”

“Then what are you asking for?”

“Your help. I want to understand this connection I have to the Force. I want you to train me so that I can help others like me. That’s all I want, Rey.”

Rey vacillated as she mulled over his words. It was an honorable goal. Understand his connection and use that knowledge to liberate others like him. The countless faceless troopers stolen from their families. She hated to admit he had a point. Shaking her head she turned to him her decision finally swayed in his favor. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?” 

Finn smiled and shook his head right back. “Never.”

* * *

A gentle breeze ruffled through the hair that had come loose from Rey’s braid, tickling across her lip and cheek. With a deep inhale she closed her eyes, sitting next to Finn, each on a small woven matt to keep their clothes from caking with Tatooine sand. 

“Breathe,” she instructed. “And just let yourself feel.”

“Feel what exactly?”

Rey arched an eyebrow at the interruption but didn’t let that stop her. “Everything. The shape of the breeze. The temperature of it. Its directionality. Center yourself and reach out with your emotions. Just feel.”

Finn eyed her as she spoke softly yet so calmly. Her voice whisper thin, and quiet.

Frustration flowed from him into her and she paused, cracking one eye open. “Finn, this is serious.”

“I know. I know. I just thought...” he trailed off.

Rey arched her eyebrow once more in suspicion. He was antsy. He wanted to delve into abilities he didn’t understand nor knew how to control. Impatient. Much like she was when she met Luke on Ahch-To. Eager and cocky about what they assumed the Force was and wasn’t. 

So, she turned to him. “What do you think the Force is? What is it?”

Finn’s eyes widened at the sudden question. He wasn’t sure. He’d seen her abilities. Lifting rocks. Jumping impossible distances. The spark of lightning that came out of her hand in anger. 

Rey recoiled from the last image in his head, flinching visibly. “The Force,” she began, centering herself and recalling her lessons with Leia and the Jedi texts Threepio taught her to decipher. “The Force isn’t about what we can do with it. The Force isn’t a blaster you can point and shoot. It’s not a weapon or a gift,” she paused her sharp tone softening. 

“The Force is often thought of as light and dark, two sides,” she began again, waving her hand to illustrate her point. “But it’s wrong. There are two aspects of the force: the Cosmic and Living Force,” she paused again, letting Finn absorb that information before she started again. 

“The Living Force is what flows through us, through every living thing in this galaxy and the known universe. It binds us together, protects us. The Cosmic Force also flows through us all. If we listen closely, it whispers to us. Speaks of the past and the future. Imploring us to do its will.”

A confused crease knit between Finn’s brows as he chewed his lower lip. “But what about the Light side? The Dark side? The Sith? The Jedi?”

Rey took a breath, knowing she had to explain these things. He didn’t understand them just as she hadn’t once. “The Light and the Dark are choices we make. They’re paths within the Force but not the Force itself. That’s why a virtuous man may fall to the dark believing he is doing what’s right. And through light, a monster can regain their humanity.”

Finn’s brow furrowed further in concentration as he unpacked what she’d said. The delicate strings of fate were interwoven together into a gorgeous tapestry that spanned the known universe. So easily were those delicate strands severed if the Force willed it. The concept of it was so hard to wrap his head around. 

“So, you’re saying the Force is not something we can control?”

“No. We can only perform its will. How we do that will is our choice. We can choose to make hard decisions. Taking the path of light is righteous but at the same time, it will often ask too much. Take the path of the dark? It’s quicker. More seductive. Unnatural powers lie there. Untamed and unchecked power draws shadows even through the brightest light. But it too, will demand too much,” she answered, recalling upon the voices in her dreams.

_ Darkness will consume you. _

_ Light will demand your destruction. _

She hated to admit the truth to them. 

“So, choose either and you end up destroying yourself one way or another? That’s comforting.”

A brief hint of a grin flitted across her features at Finn’s thinly veiled sarcasm. 

“Is there a third option?”

Rey cocked her head to the side to study him. “A third?”

“Yeah. I mean, isn’t there a compromise where we don’t self-destruct?”

She thought for a moment. The voices of the Jedi who’d come to her, one stood out once more. 

_ Rey. _

Though soft and kind, her force signature was that of a fierce and loyal warrior. Trained by the Jedi but forsaken from the order just before their destruction. Ahsoka Tano. A name she’d only read about in cobbled together fragments of the Jedi archives left from the shadow of the Empire. 

Maybe there was something to Finn’s idea. A Middle ground. A path neither light nor dark. But intrinsically tied to both. Leia had sent Finn to her for a reason. After all, the Force worked in mysterious ways.

* * *

Finn swung his practice saber, a roughly cleaned branch procured from a desert tree just outside of Kenobi’s homestead, meeting Rey’s block with a loud crack.

Back and forth they moved, circled. Parry, block. Swing and miss. She’d given up trying to teach him meditation for the time being. He had no patience for it. Too pent up, riding high off the victory at Vardos to not want to do something that felt constructive. 

So, they started with the Lightsaber forms. As a soldier, he was well versed in melee weaponry which made the first form, Shii-Cho, his default. With time, she figured he’d prefer Niman for its ability to combine lightsaber skill with force pushes and lifts, engaging one’s opponent on all levels. 

Stepping back, she flourished her makeshift blade in Ataru. There was also a bit of elegance in how the blade twirled in front and behind her, though a branch didn’t quite make the same impact. 

She watched Finn as he watched her, seeing the recognition flit across his face. Concerned she pushed in, letting her mind reach out to his. A memory flickering through his mind as loud as if he were shouting it at her. A fight on a snowy planet about to self-destruct. An enemy wounded, dressed in black goading him to attack. 

She stiffened at the memory. Her jaw set and she looked down at the branch in her hand. There was so much she’d gleaned from her dyad counterpart’s mind in that interrogation room. Learning his skills, his tactics and muscle memory to go with it in an instant when they’d invaded each other’s minds. 

Pain ripped across her chest at the memory of it. So much had changed. 

_ You still want to kill me? _

She could hear pristinely. And truth be told, she had wanted to kill him. Several times over. So many times. And yet she had. Twice. 

Throwing down her saber, she looked at Finn. “That’s enough for today.”

“What? It’s over?” Finn asked as Rey waved him off passively, heading to the steps down into the homestead she’d claimed for herself. 

Dropping the stick, Finn followed, undeterred by her behavior. 

“Rey!” He called out to her. But she didn’t want to listen. Instead, she was undoing her braid, heading towards the fresher. “Rey, why’d you stop?”

Just outside the door she paused, turning her eyes red rimmed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You know, you’re starting to sound like a corrupted holovid. Repeating the same line over and over. Rey, come on. This is me. Talk to me.”

“I said. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I don’t”

“Why?” Finn pushed.

Rey took in a breath, her patience wearing thin. 

“I’m serious, Rey, why? You won’t talk about what happened. You don’t want to discuss why you stopped mid-sparring session. Why? Is it because of what happened on Exegol? Because you haven’t been the same since. And don’t tell me you don’t want to talk about it, Rey. You  _ died. _ I felt it. I felt my best friend die. And then surprise you’re alive? How?”

The tears pricked the corners of her eyes as Finn spoke. Each line like blaster bolts hitting her square in the chest. 

Finn pushed harder, walking towards her. “What happened on Exegol, Rey?”

Rey shook her head, tears streaming, but Finn didn’t relent. 

“No, you don’t get to run away from this forever.”

At that Rey’s anger, her frustration at everything. At the Force, at the Jedi, her lineage, and finally her anger with Ben spilled over. “I don’t have to justify my behavior to anyone, Finn. You wouldn’t understand what I went through, what I had to do, what I lost when I’d just found it,” she snarled, tears blurring her vision as her anger grew. Her tone grew vicious as she yelled through gritted teeth. “You couldn’t possibly understand it. So just leave me alone!”

And with that, Rey disappeared into the fresher. 

Finn could hear her soft sobs from the other side of the door as he approached. He wanted to say something. To comfort her. But without all the pertinent information, how could he? Instead he left. Each quiet pained sob felt like a knife to his heart as he retired to his quarters to wait for when she’d finally have the courage to let herself express all that she was keeping bottled inside. 

Until then, there was no choice but to wait and hope. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, if you enjoyed please take a moment to leave a comment!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my contribution to the 2020 Reylo Fanfic Anthology! If you liked it please leave a comment with your thoughts! They are always greatly appreciated.


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